To Whom It May Concern,
OTEM, electronic subsidiary of OTGM Worldwide, would like to announce its recent interface with the INTERNET, henceforth the Matrix. All files of interest in the relevant brains will soon be available for downloading via eugene@otem.otgm.abulafia.matrix; until this date please communicate via ps539@bard.edu. Thank you for your allotment of time/space to OTEM. End of Line.
Cybernetically yours,
OTGM
11 Sep 1995 -- DonkeyTech pursues partnership with OTEM in "new generation of information server."
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DonkeyTech, a subsidiary of Loebell Enterprises, Inc., today made a move that will take the information age to a new generation.
Loebell Enterprises public information manager Fred J'Ass explains: "There is a wealth of information available on the internet. Until today, however, you couldn't find information on the internet unless it actually existed."
A new server, currently in testing, will change all that. Developed by DonkeyTech and Oscillations Through Electronic Media (OTEM), the "Information Delicatessen" will provide any type of information. Information requests are processed by creating the desired information on-the-fly.
Although information access speeds are somewhat slower than traditional data servers, the improved range of topics more than makes up for this deficiency.
For more information, click here.
05 Oct 1995 -- DonkeyTech WEO announces formation of Tap-Dancing school and Gouda emporium.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
We are pleased to announce David's tap-dancing school and gouda emporium!
The first school to supply tap-dancing instruction and giant wheels of cheese together through easy mail-order!
To enroll, send $19.95 for your first lesson and cheese wheel; Each month, you'll be billed an additional $19.95...You may examine the bill for 30 days at no expense, and when you choose to pay it, you'll receive additional lessons and/or wheels of cheese.
Lessons include:
Just send $19.95 to DAVID'S TAP-DANCING AND GOUDA EMPORIUM, ANNANDALE-ON-STYX, NY 12504 (Certified check or money order only, please) and we'll send you the first lesson in our world-unrenowned correspondence course! Absolutely nothing is guaranteed! But that's not all...
If you act now, we'll throw in this fabulous set of Ginsu Pez dispensers absolutely free! An offer like this can't be found in stores, so act now!
08 Oct 1995 -- Luis Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman announces intention to break OTEM CIC Pasta Shells into his component molecules.
OA News Service: Noted mad scientist Luis Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman announced today in a private communication his intention to break OTEM CIC Pasta Shells into his component molecules. His alleged purpose for this activity is "to see what makes this whingding dolly tick." This activity carries 8 credits for Mr. Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman as a senior project at a well-known Hudson Valley college. Mr. Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman reportedly chose Mr. Shells for this activity because he believes him to be "A bit strange, though, as if he was missing a few major diodes."
10 Oct 1995 -- David's Tap Dancing and Gouda emporium declares chapter 11 bankruptcy.
OA News Service: With a sad face, DonkeyTech WEO David Loebell announced that his Tap Dancing and Gouda emporium was being forced to declare chapter 11 bankruptcy a mere 3 days after it opened. When asked the reasons, he said "Pressure from the police... legal expenses... overstaffing... incompetence... I really can't go into it. No comment! No comment!"
All customer fees will be promptly refunded, by court order.
15 Oct 1995 -- OTEM parental unit and Oklahoma biologist Gary Shells announces that "Many live their whole lives under, in, or as a delusion!"
No further details are available.
20 Oct 1995 -- OTEM announces that it is in possession of a lost pair of keys (As always, the medium is the message).
if you are missing a pair of keys I am almost certainly in possession of them. Please contact me and we can work this out together. OTEM OTEM WeltWeit: Die Korporazion ohne Eigenschaften
25 Nov 1995 -- Luis Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman spreads rumors on UseNet regarding OTEM's Caveman.
OA News Service: Luis Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman began spreading rumors on UseNet yesterday regarding OTEM's new Caveman computer system. He reported that "it uses hologrphic storage, Terabytes per cubic centimeter!"
In a personal interview during a rare Philadelphia appearance, OTEM CIC Pasta Shells responded to this allegation by saying that "That's completely wrong. He just made that up."
25 Nov 1995 -- DonkeyTech announces the SillyBus.
---begin document 00.12.1---
The SillyBus
Mt. Airy, Phila, PA Nov 25, 1995 (Reuter)- DonkeyTech, a previously little known controller and interface card manufacturer has recently announced the SillyBus. This new technology, based in the proprietary Pryrp ASIC is a revolutionary bus system for computers. Designed to replace Intel's aging PCI++ bus, the SillyBus obtains theoretical throughputs of over 10E46 TBps at clock speeds of over 89 GHz with transfer efficiencies close to 97.5%. To date there is no processor capable of exploiting the full capacity of the SillyBus. The fastest processor available today is the Sun Microsystems' Pulsar and it can only keep up with 12% of the SillyBus's data pipes. Sun is planning to announce a new processor codenamed Fusion, which would be able to keep up with almost 23% of all the SillyBus's data pipes. DonkeyTech's CEO David V. Loebell was not available for consultation, but Marketing Division Chair Dr. Pamela Chaplin explained that the SillyBus derives its impressive performance from the Pryrp ASIC, which converts all instructions into palindromic binary packets of varying size, which makes the handling of data much smoother and optimizable. SillyBus will ship with a beta version of DonkeyTech's networking protocol TinkleHammer which is specially designed to keep up with SillyBus based computers and would be encoded in ROM in a dedicated ASIC as an integral part of the SillyBus. Dozens of manufactures have pledged loyalty to the SillyBus and the first video and specialized controllers are be due to be announced next month.
Strangely enough, DonkeyTech is not Loebell's full time occupation. It started as a spin-off of The Fire Escape, Loebell's highly profitable Coffee House, music and book store, library and Internet provider business combo. DonkeyTech's stock gained 87 points at closing in NASDAQ.
---end document 00.12.1---
25 Nov 1995 -- Press breaks news of OTEM's new Caveman processor.
---begin dcoument 00.12.2---
The CaveMan
Whitney Installation Building, Norman, OK, Nov 25, 1995 (API)- The unveiling of the new processor CaveMan by OTEM Research is, undoubtedly the most important news in the computer world this month. An exclusive preview of the CaveMan's specs allowed our technological staff to realize what a leap in technology this chip represents. CaveMan contains 6.78 E 754 capacitors printed in a revolutionary gallium-silicon-tin stone matrix with anti-gold particles, a technique developed by OTEM originally as a weapon of mass destruction. Reportedly, this processor will have a 48E+48 SpecInt and a 48E+4848 FPU SpecInt rating. The CaveMan is based in a totally innovative chip architecture, with layers of virtual processors capable of establishing connections with each other to optimize the calculational paths as the instructions are executed. Beta testers of the chip have announce that a CaveMan architecture implementation built in MIT was able to solve all the Hamiltonian Paths for all airports in the world in 3.5 milliseconds. "There hasn't been a single computer able to do this up to now, this is truly remarkable!", said Dr. Jim Moskowitz of the MIT branch of Franklin Enterprises who completed the program that was run on the CaveMan based system to solve the Hamiltonian paths. It is now no surprise that OTEM has been developing the Clairvoyant OS, that would allegedly be able to anticipate the user's next move making a huge leap in operational speed. Considering the odd weapons that OTEM Research has patented in the past, the development of Clarivoyant seemed as a strong comeback to the defensive-offensive systems market and not a simple computer OS. CaveMan's impressive specs would make it possible for such SystemProphesy Tasks to be undertaken by a small desktop system. As oposed to MicroSoft's Neuronal Windows 3.1, Clairvoyant would require no cerbral mind control implants for this kind of System operation.
Add to the CaveMan the capacities of the SillyBus developed by DonkeyTech, whose throughput rates have not been matched by any modern processor yet and the Termite array for parallel processing and OTEM's ultimate computer system is a reality. OTEM CEO Pasta Shells was not available for an interview but has been reported to say that the CaveMan will be ready to ship in two moths. This announcement comes as a shock to the computer industry, only two weeks after hearing the announcement of the Nova processor, Sun Microsystems' continuation of the SPARC line, and Intel's Centium the 80(100)86 processor of its rapidly aging CISC line of processors. It is worth to mention that the Nova would require a miniature liquid nitrogen cooling unit, totaling no more than six milliliters of coolant in the most extreme case, while the Centium requires ten gallons of liquid helium at peak power consumption. The Caveman comes with a revolutionary magnetic cooling unit which allows it to be incorporated in even the smallest computer implementations of today. Serious contenders for the ultimate computer processor used to include Intel's Centium, Digital's Omega, HP's Hyper-RISC, Sun's Nova, AMD's Mirage, Cyrix's Piranha and Motorola's PowerPC 690 chip. With the announcement of CaveMan, only Nova, Piranha and the PowerPC 690 come even close to second best. Only six weeks after going comercial, OTEM's stock gained 93 points at closing in NASDAQ. Rumors of takeover of Netscape comunications are circulating.
---end document 00.12.2---
26 Nov 1995 -- OTEM WorldWide releases Errata and Commentary on press reporting regarding it's Caveman processor.
OTEM WorldWide Errata and Commentary on
"---dcoument 00.12.2---: The CaveMan"
Item: "The CaveMan is based in a totally innovative chip architecture, with layers of virtual processors capable of establishing connections with each other to optimize the calculational paths as the instructions are executed."
OTEM: The Caveman (transitional capitalization is a sinister and antihistorical device perniciously employed by the archimp William R. Gates) is in fact based on architectural principles several millions of years old, dating back to the early Stone Age. "Virtual processor" is a media fabrication and a patent absurdity. Calculational paths are not optimized but rather improvised.
Item: "'There hasn't been a single computer able to do this up to now, this is truly remarkable!', said Dr. Jim Moskowitz of the MIT branch of Franklin Enterprises . . ."
OTEM: Jim Moskowitz is truly remarkable.
Item: "Considering the odd weapons that OTEM Research has patented in the past, . . ."
OTEM: We deny everything implied by this statement.
Item: "OTEM CEO Pasta Shells was not available for an interview but has been reported to say that the CaveMan will be ready to ship in two moths."
OTEM: OTEM CIC Pasta Shells is always available on the Internet at ps539@bard.edu, so obviously the interviewer is a lightweight. Caveman is currently ready to ship, and OTEM would like it known that OTEM only ships products inside the bellies of pumas, never moths.
END COMMUNICATION 12.03.12---------------------------------
OTEM WorldWide: No Arms, No Cookies
28 Nov 1995 -- OTEM announces the imminent release of its new operating system.
Today, OTEM worldwide enterprises put out the following press release:
OTEM announces the imminent release of its new operating system. abovenamed will supercede all previous
OTEM WorldWide: Not with a whimper, but with a 44400mhz squeal
Despite these bold claims, no further information was given. Authourities in the industry are reportedly skeptical, both that said OS will "supercede all previous" and of the hinted-at speed of operation.
29 Nov 1995 -- OTEM's Arrows and Indices department clarifies OTEM's previous press release. Meanwhile, OTEM's InfoDistro department reports that "Further information will be dispersed as appropriate." Finally, OTEM's Virtue subcommittee suggests patience.
From: Division of Arrows and Indices
> > > > OTEM announces the imminent release of its new operating system > > ______________________________________________________^ > > / > > abovenamed will supercede all previous > >
From: InfoDistro Department
further information dispersed as appropriate
From: Virtue Subcommittee
patience . . .
OTEM WorldWide: Ich bin ein Einzelzimmer mit Fernseher
03 Dec 1995 -- Vermont Artisans announces the Mighty Machine supercomputer.
Vermont Artisans are pleased to anounce the development of a super-computer that should revolutionize the way we look at computing and knowledge in general. The computer is built around the new Mighty Machine central processing unit which is operated by a genetically designed microbe made from pure energy which reproduces itself once every 10 to the -48 nanoseconds. It is this microbe that is at the heart of the Mighty-Machine's unusual capability. As dirctor J. Hannon explains, " When our technicians developed this microbe, we had no idea of its potential. All we knew is that if we let it develop on its own, it might overrun our entire planet, and perhaps even destroy our universe." Yet, with the competition in today's rapidly-changing computer market Mr. Hannon decided that it was worth the risk.
Yet, the outcome was far from expected. It turns out that this microbe reproduces itself internally, without taking up more than it's original space. "We are not sure how it does this, but the results were startling."
Each microbe is provided with an independent "will" which forces it to find the answer to a given question. "The microbe will do anything to solve a given problem," says Hannon. The chip manages to find the best structure possible to solve the problem, produce the structure, and it will only stop once the question is answered.
For the initial question Hannon asked it to unify quantum and relativistic physics, a feat it accomplished in 10 to the -40 nanoseconds. The results were so surprising that the staff tried to give the computer the most difficult questions possible. When asked to discover the programmer's name, it produced the answer in 10 to the -20 nanoseconds, by determining all the possible sounds that a human voice could produce, using a matrix to derive the given sound for a certain context, producing the history of the human race, determining the psychological makeup of the parents, as well as the child's development, and then producing the name: J. Hannon. Larger questions were asked, including, "what is the meaning of life," a task it solved in absolutely no time, at which point it produced the answer, "to produce me." In fact the computer is so powerful that it produces the entire history of the universe from the beginning to the end in about four seconds.
The computer also manages to create its own matter, and because it never extends in space, all its mass is centered in one spot, which bends the space-time continuum, so that the computer can actually solve a problem before it has been asked.
The computer however is not free of problems, however. Becaues it bends the space-time continuum, it has produced small side-effects ranging from small headaches, and the transmutation of localized objects to elaborate problems. One technician mentions the time he asked the computer to make a copy of himself, a task it solved two seconds before it was asked. The problem however is that the computer got bored, at which point it decided to produce more copies, and in a second there was an infinite number of people in the room, which collapsed the space-time continuum into a small black hole, sucking everything within twenty feet into oblivion.
When asked about the black hole effect, Mr. Hannon agreed that it was a problem. "The computer always extends all problems to the history of the universe question, produces the universe and gets bored after four seconds of processing, so that we've never been able to keep it for any more time." When asked about the recent disappearance of computer technicians, Mr. Hannon denies the possibility, "They're just on an extended leave of absence.".
If you would like to be a part of the VA crew, please contact the Burlington VT headquaters, no technical experience necessary.
04 Dec 1995 -- OTEM Worldwide announces its opinion of Bill Gates.
OA News Service: To the accolades of many in the computer industry, OTEM came right out and said what too many have remained silent on: Bill Gates is a nerd.
08 Dec 1995 -- OTEM CIC Pasta Shells's favorite leisure activities revealed.
OA News Service: Rumors have been flying lately that industry leaders OTEM CIC Pasta Shells, DonkeyTech WEO David Loebell, and Mad scientist Luis Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman intend to meet in a rare summit. This was confirmed today when a source close to OTEM leaked a memo, apparently sent by Mr. Shells to Messrs. Loebell and A-W-R.
In addition to confirming the upcoming summit, the memo gives previously unknown information on Mr. Shells' favorite leisure-time activities; in a section on what to do to unwind between stressful meetings, he suggests "a game of shuffleboard or a brief discussion of the Schoenbergian tone-row."
Industry analysts find this most remarkable.
09 Dec 1995 -- OTEM announces that it "deplores the irresponsibility" of Vermont Artisans in creating the "monster" that is the Mighty Machine.
***OFFICIAL OTEM COMMUNIQUE***
***PLEASE DISTRIBUTE***
OTEM deplores the irresponsibility of Vermont Artisans in creating the monster that is the Mighty Machine. This machine is an affront against all standards of ethics and decorum. OTEM does not advocate the use of microbe-based proto-AI and NEVER WILL. OTEM's parent organization, Oscillations Through General Media, plans to engineer a general manufacturing, purchasing, and advertising blockade to bring a rapid halt to the distribution of this abomination and all other VA products currently on the market, or pending release. When and if VA submits via the Matrix a public apology and rescinds its scurrilous policies, OTEM and OTGM will recognize its continued right to exist in the pleasant silicon valley that is our ethically responsible United States computer industry.
Sincerely,
Eu3ne Backspace
Chair, Division of Ethics
JEB:sm
***END COMMUNIQUE***
10 Dec 1995 -- Vermont Artisans apologizes to OTEM, but stresses its duty in maintaining the Mighty Machine.
Vermont Artisans is a company founded in a small Vermont town with the intention of improving the conditions of the universe. Originally, our aim was merely to make traditional Vermont Maple Syrup available to all creatures regardless of race, gender, or genus. We were satisfied with this small improvement. Yet, the advertisement-based computer industry became the focus of another universitarian campaign, when we realized the harm that the fast-paced market was creating for humans, as well as for chimpanzees.
We at VA feel obligated to keep our creation alive. Having created a living organism from empty space, we feel that we have an ethical right to keep this organism healthy and happy. Just because human beings were the creators of this organism, does not mean it deserves less than humane treatment.
The organism is clean, it does not pose any harm for individuals outside of a twenty foot radius in our laboratory, and in addition it has produced the cures for several deadly diseases, countered the collapse of our known universe, and created several jokes for Late Night with David Letterman. It also knows how to make a mean omelett, countered the dark force of Kline cooking, and finished Schubert's unfinished Symphony.
In light of our ethical considerations, the benefits of this computer for the universe, and its wonderful sense of humor, we at Vermont Artisans will not destroy our creation. Yet, do to the power of this computer, we will withdraw our creation from the computer market for world safety. And we send apologies to the late director of OTEM.
Sincerely,
J. Hannon
Director of Vermont Artisans
10 Dec 1995 -- OTEM accepts Vermont Artisans's apology, and clarifies its position on ethicoeconomic intervention.
Vermont Artisans
Dear Mr. Hannon,
OTEM accepts your apologies and understands the ethical necessity which you mention in your letter. As long as you keep black hole activity to a minimum, we see no problem with the continued operation of this system. We will accordingly withdraw our blockade against Vermont Artisans' other products.
We would like to state also, in the forum of this open letter, that OTEM does not eagerly engage in ethicoeconomic intervention of this kind and does not institute such measures lightly. We do not intend to act as a watchdog for an entire industry, but in the case of the most flagrant abuses, we feel it is our obligation to utilize our influence to bring about a settlement which pleases all parties and is compatible with the high standards OTEM believes should prevail in these matters.
Sincerely,
Eu3ne Backspace
Chairman, Division of Ethics and Biochemistry
PS:
> . . . And we send apologies to the late director of OTEM.
Is this a threat?
EB:sm
OTEM WorldWide: Oscillating Wildly for Your Computing Pleasure
11 Dec 1995 -- Quadraphonetic Lipstick PIC Pamela "Wookie" Chaplin announces that "Going to grad school will not solve all of your problems."
No further information is available.
15 Dec 1995 -- OTEM announces that "due to budget cutbacks of unprecedented scope, it will CEASE ALL OPERATIONS as of this notice and will not resume until 28 JANUARY 1996." In response, its stock plummets.
OTEM regretfully announces that due to budget cutbacks of unprecedented scope, it will CEASE ALL OPERATIONS as of this notice and will not resume until 28 JANUARY 1996.
We regret any inconvenience this may cause. For the duration, please direct all inquiries by analog post to:
Karl-Friedrich von Schnell
Baron in Residence
Oscillations Through General Media
4106 Coventry Lane
Norman, OK 73072
U S A
Regretfully,
Eu3ne Backspace
Chairman, Apologetics Division
OTEM WorldWide: 5x10^87 served
19 Dec 1995 -- Oscillations Archives goes online for testing.
The Oscillations Archives/Oscillations News Service went online today for testing.
The archives and News service have been created for the purpose of keeping pace with the fast-paced changes in the industry as it exists today.
While the archives are available now at http://www.klatha.com/otem/, please note that they are under construction and may be missing or incomplete until formally announced.
28 Jan 1996 -- An unknown news organization, believed to be affiliated with Luis Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman, reports network activity in otgm.matrix domain.
Telecast(WQI) January 28 22:04 EST -- Or network spying programs have detected activity in the previously believed lethargic Oscillations Through Electronic Media Corporation. The purpose of this busy network activity leads only to speculation. OTEM Reseach, a subsidiary of OTGM Worldwide Enterprises has showed no sign of activity in its once busy neural networking array. It is suspected that OTGM has dedicated more than seven hundred domain routers and even more subdomain network splicers for the construction of OTEMNet, which is rummored to have the most impressive network bandwith and speed of any node connected to the Internet, or as OTEM would have it, the Matrix. The announcement of the Caveman procesor line nearly three moths ago shook the world of computing, only to see OTEM cease all network activity with the external world for nearly six weeks since mid-December. Our sophisticated network stalkers have detected new activity, hinting the return of activity after a rough period of isolation. The probe sent its last data archive nanoseconds before its code was randomized by an unknown program in the vicinity of OTEMNet. The following was rescued from the corrupted transmission:
>!out: access block limited connection achieved >!out: TEXT :: > > [machiavelli.relay.otgm.matrix] > > OTGM network splicing node (machiavelli) > > Divide and Conquer. > > Line User Host(s) Idle Location > 8 tty 8 furry toad 0 > 10 tty 10 root tornado 1 > 13 tty 13 eugene otem 0 > 15 tty 15 karl norman 2 abuflavia.uoknor.edu > $% tty %$ #@%^-/ *(&*(#-3 ! c#&(^an.do^&3y~3(#.com > * 18 vty 0 idle 0 slay.wallenstein.org
Obviously the program that attempted to stop our infomation retiever tried to obscure the pocedence and identity of the fifth user in this particular network relay, one out of thousands in OTEMNet. The other four users can be linked to OTEM's top management. Rumors of OTEM's recent purchase of a small Asian isle with rich deposits of gallium (an element reported to be essential to the manufacturing of the Caveman processor and OTEM's allegedly discontinued Antimatter Diffusion Cannon) send its stock soaring at the NYSE, and the confirmation of renewed network activity is likely to push the stock beyond pre-December levels. Although OTEMNet was confirmed to be active, CIC Pasta Shells was not available for comments at press time.
30 Jan 1996 -- OTEM VP in charge of Channels, 0x Redoubtable, makes a number of statements intended to rebut previous news reporting. Industry analysts find many of these statements dubious.
---document begins---
Dear Subscriber,
Recently, a piece of "investigative" "reporting" (I put both in quotes since clearly, neither is an accurate nomer) appeared under the byline of one "Wallenstein" who signs himself thus:
> ___________________________________________________________________________ > Luis Alcazar-Roman| Now, NOW!!! It's the death | Wallenstein > la994@bard.edu | hour! | wallenst@bart.chem.unc.edu > __________________|____________________________|___________________________
This document was presumably seen by thousands, and OTEM would like it known that it contains nary a byte of truth, not even a nybble.
We especially take issue with the following points:
Thank you for your patience. Any and all response is as always, welcome.
Sincerely,
0x Redoubtable
Vice-President in Charge of Channels
---document ends---
31 Jan 1996 -- Luis Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman makes his first public statement as head of Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc. The statement is a rebuttal of Mr. Redoubtable's rebuttal of Mr. A-W-R's article.
--- begin transmission ---
Official Communicate:
This is an open letter to the media community responding to the challenge put forth by OTEM official 0x Redoubtable (Vice-President in Charge of Channels) on Tuesday, 30 Jan 1996 17:44:41 (EST). Mr. Redoubtable makes a series of character occusations against our News Agency, Wallenstein QuantumInfo Inc., which show a lack of understanding of the regional characteristics of the space-time continuity we exist on. Part of his statement negates the existence of transmission originating for OTEM. Well informed citizens would take this as an insult to their electronic perception of reality. To substantiate our claims we include the following copy of the transmission that inspired our previous article. What follows is a so called "public service announcement" sent by OTEM Baron in Residence, Karl-Friedrich von Schnell.
(evidence omega-4-xy-3.1415926...~ quoted from document)
(Click here to see the announcement quoted)
In his announcement, Mr. Redoubtable negates the Karl, the author of the previous announcement, was never affiliated with OTEM. We find this hard to believe and palatable only to dwarves the like of Ben Gooley. He further insists that "transmissions which bear that imprint should be disbelieved, erased, and forgotten" in an attempt to alter the topology of our information multivariate surface dynamics. Many a soul remember the announcement of the Caveman processor, which occurred on Saturday Nov 25, 1995, and the commotion that followed it. Clearly, Mr. Redoubtable's point is as moot as Venusian coriander.
Howerver, Mr. Redoubtable is accurate with some information. He confirmed our knowledge of the discontinuation of OTEM's anti-matter diffusion cannon, and confirmed the rumors of Gallium mining in Asia.
If Mr. Redoubtable's information about the existence or spectrality of OTEMNet is accurate, we retract our dubbing of OTEM's internal network as OTEMNet. However, it is no secret that said network has been extensively developed by OTGM and that it has achieved full integration with the Matrix. Due to the nature of the Matrix itself, a wide, near-infinite, pathway network that spans across the known electronic universe, the presence of OTGM is not but a tiny blinking diode, among the vast hexapentatrillionbillions. A very bright one, nontheless.
However one point remains a tough spike, ripping through Prometheous' liver every day. The attack of our inoformative program by a hidden, stalker-sentry, venturing beyond the proper network domain of OTEM into the public optical and electronic ether. We do not understand OTEM's behavior reflected on the programming of their network security. The deliberate obstruction of the circulation of free information is not compatible with the creed of the Matrix, and shall not be tolerated by our News agency, Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc.
All information relevant will be available to you, at your request. With no further to add, we wish you well in the Matrix,
Luis Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman
Chief, in Ultimate Command
Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc.
awr-l@hoard.quantum.wallenstein.org
--- end transmission ---
31 Jan 1996 -- Mr. Redoubtable issues a rebuttal of Mr. A-W-R's rebuttal of Mr. Redoubtable's rebuttal of Mr. A-W-R's article.
---transmission begins---
Dear Subscribers,
Recently, Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc., specifically, the user known as "Wallenstein," published a rebuttal to our 30 January data feed. We would like to take issue with some points raised therein.
If "Wallenstein" had checked his facts more closely, he would have realized that there was no discrepancy in earlier statements made by this organization. He cites "evidence omega-4-xy-3.1415926...," a transmission informing our subscribers of the imminent suspension of operations of OTEM WorldWide, and claims that Karl-Friedrich von Schnell is an employee of OTEM WorldWide, thus directly contradicting our note of 30 January. We do not deny the existence of this communication; but if "Wallenstein" will reread the communication in question, he will realize that von Schnell is Baron-in-Residence of Oscillations Through GENERAL Media, our parent corporation, not of OTEM itself. Herr Doktor von Schnell has no direct involvement or influence on the activities of OTEM WorldWide, and thus "Wallenstein"'s claim is as moot as murk soup.
"W." will also note that this invalidates his claim of unethical activity initiated by OTEM and involving surveillance and agressive information-dispersal technology, as the text cited in his preprevious communication, which cites a user known as "Karl," is clearly a malicious fabrication. We do have a significant presence in the Matrix, albeit a benevolent one; certain considerations involving the responsibilities of power and the maintenance of a certain decorum require that a few of our operations remain confidential. However, our operations do not, for obvious--tautological--reasons, extend beyond the scope of our operations. For further information, please consult 7even 6topolous, Chief Ethics Officer, or Louise Alca4, head of the Logic Division.
We hope that Wallenstein QuantumInfo will engage in self-examination, so that it does not inadvertently spit in its own mouth. Until then, we beg all parties to treat any communications emanating from that source with distrust.
Sincerely,
Zero-x Redoubtable
Vice-President in Charge of Channels
OTEM WorldWide: If you got the yin we got the yang
---transmission ends---
03 Feb 1996 -- Oscillations Archives News Service analysis of tiff between Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc. and Oscillations Through Electronic Media, Inc.
OA News Service: In the past few days, Wallenstein QuantumInfo and OTEM have been engaged in a public argument, with ugliness the like of which has not been seen by the computer industry since 1983, when a forgotten CEO of Commodore International stated that Steve Jobs was "a nerdy furry toad."
The salient facts of this argument are few. Mr. Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman, ultimate head of Wallenstein QuantumInfo, and Mr. Redoubtable, VP in charge of channels for OTEM, have repeatedly attacked each other's character in public forums. Accusations have flown. However, a few facts do remain in this debate:
04 Feb 1996 -- OTEM clarifies it's policies on incoming media oscillation.
Dear Subscribers,
Ah, life . . . another cry into the void, another wasp bite on the buttocks of lethargy. We here at OTEM flourish on incoming transmissions; do not misinterpret our name. We deal in oscillations from allsorts, not just our own. We warn all our friends in the Matrix, with a friendly reprimand, of the dangers of indolence. To bastardize a phrase, idle CPUs do the devil's processing. Perhaps the groundhog was frightened, scarcely a day and a half ago, by his own shadow, but are we Homo ludens or lowly Rodentia?
Deliquescently,
Eu3ne Backspace
Generalissimo, Division of Labor
OTEM WorldWide: Such is Sophistry . . .
04 Feb 1996 -- Oscillations Archive enters final release and is announced to the public.
The testing phase for the Oscillations Archives/Oscillations News Service is complete. As of today, the Oscillations Archives are open to the public. Check back regularly for updates on the activities of OTEM, OTGM, Vermont Artisans, Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Quadraphonetic Lipstick, Inc., DonkeyTech, and other related corporations.
The archives and News service have been created for the purpose of keeping pace with the fast-paced changes in the industry as it exists today.
Visit the archives any time at: <http://www.klatha.com/otem/>.
05 Feb 1996 --OTEM Responds to OANS analysis of the accusatios launched by WQI.
Dear Subscribers,
First, we would like to direct our profound thanks to OA for the recent foundation of a Matrix-accessible news service and archive concerning the activities of DonkeyTech, Wallenstein QI, OTGM, OTEM, 4PL, and VAA. This will without doubt be a great service to us all, and aid in the free and accurate transfer of information.
Further, we would like to inquire into the nature of "QuadraPhonetic Lipstick, Inc.," who are not listed in the current issue of the Gold Heart Mountaintop Queen Directory.
We acknowledge that OA News Service is in a fledgeling state, and like all fledgelings, may periodically fall down. All information in the recent OANS analysis (03 Feb 1996) has been checked by the Bureau of Incisive Accuracy (reports Bureau Chief Doctor Extraordinary Mustache) and is, in the common parlance, on the level, except for an odd aberration concerning the recent "disappearance" of OTEM from the Matrix. This has been a bone of contention, fought for by mangy dogs and well-pedigreed retrievers alike, for some time, and we would like to set the record straight.
OANS reports:
"1. Despite Mr. Redoubtable's claims to the contrary, OTEM has been active consistently in the past 6 months, with the exception of a brief hiatus in the past 6 weeks."
At no time have we specified the existence or implementation of a six-month (as opposed to a six-week suspension, which did occur) hiatus in OTEM operations, nor do we intend to. If this statement appeared in a previous communication from Mr. Redoubtable, it was a typographical error. Mr. Redoubtable is, however, infallible, and thus does not make typographical errors. Ergo, this statement never appeared, and the OANS has made a fundamental error of fact. [Louise Alca4, Logic Department]
The following points deserve some clarification, but are not in fundamental error:
"2. OTEM does have a significant, and previously unknown, network presence. Mr. Redoubtable has alternately denied and confirmed this statement."
Mr. Redoubtable has not engaged in any fundamental contradiction; interested parties should consult private communications or the Archives for the VPs full explanation for OTEM's activities in the Matrix.
"5. The corporate structure of Oscillations Through General Media/Oscillations Through Electronic Media is extremely complicated."
This is, according to Bureau of Incisive Accuracy Chief Extraordinary Mustache, indubitably the case.
But, all things considered, a lovely and concise treatment of a complex issue; though more attention might have been paid to the ethically careless activities and accusations of the user known as "Wallenstein."
Finally, we would like to thank Mr. Loebell of DonkeyTech for his swiftly delivered data feed. We are currently appointing a committee to venture into the Archives and retrieve the documents; our remote terminals have no easy access to the portion of the Matrix in which the Archive lies.
Sincerely,
Qwerty Schwarzpunkt
Head, Benevolence Division
OTEM WorldWide: It's Not Just For Bathrooms Anymore
05 Feb 1996 -- The Oscillation Archives Information Dispersal Department Responds to OTEM's questions.
Qwerty Schwarzpunkt, Head, Benevolence Division, OTEM, wrote:
> At no time have we specified the existence or implementation of a > six-month (as opposed to a six-week suspension, which did occur) hiatus in > OTEM operations, nor do we intend to. If this statement appeared in a > previous communication from Mr. Redoubtable, it was a typographical error. > Mr. Redoubtable is, however, infallible, and thus does not make > typographical errors. Ergo, this statement never appeared, and the OANS > has made a fundamental error of fact. [Louise Alca4, Logic Department]
05 Feb 1996While the directors of OANS do not claim infallibilty, this statement does appear in our archives, and we have verified that it appears in the archives of Donkeytech, Inc. and of Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc. as well. In the spirit of full disclosure, we would like to hereby note that the prime stockholders of OANS have strong ties to DonkeyTech, Inc. If the world ever finds that this leads to biased reporting, we are open to suggestions and corrections. However, the fact currently in question will stand unless further evidence is produced: Mr. Redoubtable made a typographical error.
Sincerely,
Information Dispersal Department
Oscillations Archives
05 Feb 1996 --OTEM's VP in Charge of Channels, Extraordinary Mustache, announces the official "OTEM Laundry List" and the "denormalization" of former VP in Charge of Channels, 0x Redoubtable, after he was determined to be an industrial spy.
---nontransmission terminates---
OFFICIAL OTEM "LAUNDRY LIST"
Please check to see that all items are enclosed.
1. It should be noted by all subscribers, but especially by the compilers of the Oscillations Archives and its associated News that VP in Charge of Channels 0x Redoubtable's given name is "0x," not "Ox": that is, it rhymes with "Phil Ochs," not "Xerox," and is not identical to the name of a dull horned mammal.
2. Initial reaction to the revelation of 0x Redoubtable's alleged "typographical error" was a full investigation into the affair by the Indivisible Division, headed by Hannibal Golucky. Redoubtable explained that the error was not due to fallibility on his part, but to runoff from the Metacircular Division, who have recently been experimenting with gallium extracts in an effort to distort local space-time in the interests of making OTEM the first non-linear hypercorporation in the Gold Heart Mountaintop Queen Directory.
3. Golucky later determined, however, that OTEM has never had a Metacircular Division, thus casting Redoubtable's infallibility into extreme doubt. Internal investigations have further determined that Redoubtable was in fact an espionage agent planted by Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc. Redoubtable was duly denormalized, and Former Bureau of Incisive Accuracy Head Extraordinary Mustache was promoted to VP in Charge of Channels. Thus point 1 is as moot as murk soup, and perhaps it would be more pertinent to note that "0x" rhymes with "hoax." Louise Alca4 of the Logic Division was not reprimanded, as the problem in her recent analysis lay not in the methods, but in the premises. The Bureau of Internal Ink was reprimanded for the oversight.
4. In light of the preceding circumstances, we would like to further emphasize the severe mistrust with which Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc. and its subsidiaries should be treated. The role of OTEM in the preceding matter has been fully investigated and explicated; however, similar accusations of unethical activity against WQI have received little or no attention.
5. The Investigative Team has returned from its recent expedition into the Matrix, and would like to congratulate OANS for their extraordinary curatorial achievement. Though OTEM continues to keep its own private archive, it only extends as far back as last Tuesday, and thus, the Oscillations Archive promises to be an essential instrument of historical research.
6. Further, we thank DonkeyTech for the procuration of several long-awaited documents. The Amusement Department is currently engaged in a detailed study of the files.
7. NEW YORK TIMES 3 FEB 1996 FRONT PAGE: "Questions about Apple Computer multiplied yesterday as it became unclear who was running the company . . ."
8. Version 2.3 of the Dean Levine Quote Wall is currently available and is being distributed under separate cover.
9. Thank you for your continued attendance.
Sincerely,
Extraordinary Mustache
VP in Charge of Channels
---nontransmission rebegins---
07 Feb 1996 --OTEM Announces its intention to the recent congressional bill banning pornography on the internet by distributing soft-core pornographic material free of charge.
Dear subscribers,
To protest the recent congressional bill banning pornography in the Matrix, OTEM will be distributing soft-core porn free of charge for a short period of time. Please specify size, gender, number, girth, and length.
Willie "John" Thomas
Overseer of Underwear
OTEM WorldWide: We know what the D in DOS stands for
07 Feb 1996 -- OTEM Announces its attainment the status of non-linear hypercorporation.
---begin communication---
OTEM announces that it has attained the status of a non-linear hypercorporation, and is no longer bound by the normal rules of space-time. We will, however, have a real-time interface with the Matrix in order to avoid the destruction of same by recurrent paradox.
"Extraordinary, extraordinary, truly extraordinary; nearly had an apoplexy" commented Luis Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman of Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc., a subsidiary of OTGM International Unlimited, in a future interview.
@illa Backspace
Head, Metacircular Division
OTEM WorldWide: It's time to pull down
07 Feb 1996 -- OTEM apologizes for the lateness in the release of their announcement to fight the new legislation that bans pornography on the internet.
---begin communication---
---text begins---
07 Feb 1996We at OTEM apologize for any undue distress caused by the late distribution of our announcement entitled "OTEM v. FCC." This announcement was intended for distribution yesterday at 12:31p but was inexplicably held up in channels. We suspect foul play, but no more information is available at this juncture.
3on Mustache
Chair, Apologetics Division
OTEM WorldWide: A 4-dimensional peg in a square hole
---text ends---
08 Feb 1996 -- WQI exposes abuse of Matrix resources by OTEM linked to the recent disappearance of former OTEM VP in Charge of Channels, 0x Redoubtable.
---reality begins---
Wallenstein QuantumInfo laments the recent show of blatant dispersal of misinformation in the Matrix by OTEM Worldwide. We would like to begin our expose of OTEM by addressing their claims concerning their former employee Mr. 0x Redoubtable. OTEM's new VP in Charge of Channels, Mr. Moustache, begin his discreditaion of Mr. Redoubtable by a mere semantics play. I would ask the reader to remember the word game he proposed with Mr. Redoubtable's first name (the zero versus "o" question) which we will prove to be evidence of foul play against 0x and of OTEM's questionable employer ethics.
In one of our field expeditions in the Matrix, we decided to visit the area of the Matrix known to the heavy users as the universal usr/tmp/ or junk.matrix. This array of computers posses a nearly limitless storage capacity, designed to hold information temporarily in case of network failures, virus infections, solar spots or other natural or electronic catastrophes. The computers are know by the domain junk.matrix, such as p355-it.usenet.junk.matrix, pipes.feed.junk.matrix, fodder.cannon.junk.matrix and dead.letter.junk.matrix. It was observed that OTEM had acquired the habit of using this space as its personal junk pile and repository of useless information. These activities prove, once again, OTEM's disrespect for Matrix resources. The huge data flow to junk.matrix from OTEM caused almost 10E70 Tb of temporary information to be rerouted to the secret emergency temporary storage facility, donated to the Matrix by WQI. This facility had never had to be used before this incident. In a joint effort, WQI, VA and DonkeyTech built emergency data processing computers based on VA's MightyMachine processor, DokeyTech's SillyBus and WQI's proprietary Tornado OS (designed specifically to process massive amounts of data). These computers were not only able to deliver all the temporary data to its proper destination, but processed all data originated form OTEM into continuous logic structures. Among our most shocking discoveries were the electronic life-signatures of 0x Redoubtable and a dozen more of OTEM's former employees allegedly "denormalized" during a recent corporate reorganization. Working copies of the "denormalization" protocols were also recovered, and thus "renormalization" routines could be reverse engineered. Analysis of OTEM's denormailzation process reveal that the said process was designed to eliminate santient entities by transforming matter into data streams and randomly scattering the data in a large unknown data caches, like the junk.matrix storage, without continuous network surveillance. Junk.matrix's temporary storage is purged of data more than 11 days old. This process would have erased all traces of 0x Redoubtable and twelve other OTEM former employees irreversibly.
Upon renormalization we were able to question Mr. Redoubtable as to the reasons for this disappearance. 0x, who is indeed infallible, had discovered plans to increase OTEM's power by elevating it to the next dimensional cross-section, and had objected to them along with other employees of the Channels Division. High OTEM officials proceeded to organize a digital conference with these employees but instead of digitalizing their images, digitalized them whole and proceeded to scatter them at junk.matrix. "One moment I was staring at my desk Cave Man Cam and the next I was staring at fiber optic walls and bouncing off them", 0x added. He has no further recollections up until the renormalization was performed.
During Mr. Redoubtable's renormailzation, we discovered that the filter used for randomly scattering the data contained the phrase "ox=0x_hoax_rad_~infallib_~true" which was designed to negate many of Mr. Redoubtable's data attributes to further obstruct any recovery process.
Among the other employees "denormalized" by OTEM we found Mr. Da3d Y6e, Redoubtable's personal assistant, Ms. J4n Cube, Channel Division Output Chief, Ter2 Goedel and 6bastian Batch, co-heads of Investigations, Channel Division. All four confirmed Mr. Redoubtable's claims.
We would further wish to assert that Mr. Redoubtable had no connection to WQI in the past. The misinformation spread by OTEM in the Matrix should be regarded as a poor alibi to cover the hazardous activities of their corporation.
With nothing more to add for the moment, we express our concern for the future of the Matrix and its liberties as the influence of OTEM spreads without check.
Fredrich Makrel-Heinz
Neophonetic Division
Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc.
mh-f@hunter.quantum.wallenstein.org
---check your brakes---
08 Feb 1996 -- WQI congratulates OTEM and welcomes it pandimensionality and releases methodolgy for information retrieval from higher "dimensional cross-sections".
---Begin Dispersal---
We would like to congratulate OTEM on its recent attainment of hyperdimensionality. We would further like to add that in order to interpret the data originated and retrieved from the new dimension, OTEM will have to rewrite its data feed input software from the ground up. OTEM has done what any novice of trans-ternary dimension explorer does. They have applied their software with only one extra variable modification. This is not enough. All those who wish to join WQI and the Pan Dimensional Group in this new area of the electronic universe, please note the following:
The true and tried configuration for data pipes is thus:
d[T(x,y,z,<|>) sin(phi)(e^(pi*i))ln<|>
-------------- = -----------------------
d(mtx) (pi^e)/pi^n
where <|> is the pan-dimensional operator,
phi is the Schrodinger wave equation for electron
tunneling,
mtx is the hypertime variable, in >moths<, and
n is the number of dimensional cross-sections
to observe.
Data Markers of n-1 dimensions will produce circular palindromes of any information that is retrieved. Two markers are necessary for accuarate data reading.
Computational paths will have to be improvised at speeds that rise exponentially with the number of dimensional cross-sections to explore. To handle the dense data flow, we recommend the SillyBus. Use the processor of your choice, but you must choose wisely.
Thus it follow that OTEM's data feed should have read:
___
"Extraordinary, extraordinary, truly extraordinary; nearly had an apoplexy"
commented Romeo Werner-Rzalrzer-Mann SCIC of OTGM International Unlimited, a
subsidiary of Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc., in a future interview.
+++
Henry Greznic-Teller
Head of Dimensional Research
Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc.
gt-h@joust.quantum.wallenstein.org
---begin entropic reversal---
Wallenstein Enterprises: A hyperparabolic lock in a toroidal key.
08 Feb 1996 -- OTEM Metacircular Division Head, @illa Backspace, announces his doubts about WQI's claims to pandimensionality and dismisses their technological advise as an "absurd calculation".
---begin transmission---
Dear Subscribers,
Recently Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc. distributed a communique in which they "congratulated" OTEM on its recent achievement of space-time transcendence, stating that it and the other members of the "Pan Dimensional Group" would welcome us gladly. However, neither WQI nor any other corporation, according to the most recent edition of the Gold Heart Mountaintop Queen Directory, has achieved this status; and we doubt that WQI has reached this plateau and simply not registered with the Directory, if the equation they quoted is any indication of the expertise of Henry Greznic-Teller, Head of Dimensional Research:
"d[T(x,y,z,<|>) sin(phi)(e^(pi*i))ln<|>
-------------- = -----------------------
d(mtx) (pi^e)/pi^n
where <|> is the pan-dimensional operator,
phi is the Schrodinger wave equation for electron
tunneling,
mtx is the hypertime variable, in <moths>, and
n is the number of dimensional cross-sections
to observe.
Data Markers of n-1 dimensions will produce circular palindromes of any
information that is retrieved. Two markers are necessary for accuarate data
reading."
The use of the Schrodinger wave equation, and the absurd calculation in moth units of hypertime variables are evidence of just how little Dr. Greznic-Teller understands the dynamics involved in this sort of piping. WQI have apparently had no trouble at all interfacing linearly with the Matrix; which makes us suspect that they are only using a pandimensional simulator, or, more likely, no modified interface at all.
Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc. does not and will never have an employee named "Romeo Werner-Rzalrzer-Mann" in any subsidiary, and OTGM has never been and will never submit to domination by a mere informational service.
Sincerely,
@illa Backspace
Head, Metacircular Division
OTEM WorldWide
---end transmission---
08 Feb 1996 -- WQI expresses dissappointment in OTEM's refusal to join them and the "Pandimensional Group" in the exploration of higher dimensions. In addition, they maintain that their methodology for interaction with higher dimesions is accurate, and OTEM's flawed and that the "Gold Heart Mountaintop Queen Directory" is affiliated with OTEM.
---begin hexadecimal feed---
We express our disappointment and concern with OTEM rejection of our kind offer to join the Pan Dimensional Group. We and our partners have explored many cross sections, and mapped many of the hypersurfaces in the vicinity of the Ternary Proximal Reality. We are in the process of linking the many gateways we have created with multi-dimensional path stabilizers for easy navigation. We understand that the possibilities of exploration and information retrieval in this newly discovered area of the Electronic Universe are endless. The extension of the Matrix into these new domains is inevitable. No one corporation, entity, cosmic phenomenon or hyperreal being has the right to claim the whole or portions of the new cross-section to itself, since such would be absurd sophistry. With the experimental stage of our endevours outside ternary dimension reality finished, we would have announced and freely distributed information on how to retrieve data from all cross-sections, and opened the gates to this new electronic hyper-regions to anyone, yielding our control of these resources to the Matrix itself.
Testing is not yet complete in the higher n cross-sections we have explored. However, due to the aggresive nature of the recent OTEM intrusion into hyperdimensionality, we feel the need to distribute the information and open the gates to the lower n cross-sections to anyone who wishes to gain access to them. We will relinquish control of the gates and Pan Dimensional Project information archives to the Matrix, once the final testing stage is finished, hopefully in three days.
We encourage all to take this opportunity and establish a presence in hyperdimensionality to prevent OTEM from overrunning all cross-sections and denying free access to them by its brute force. The Mountaintop Queen Directory, to which OTEM refers to as the ultimate authority in hyperdimensionality is a recent creation, linked exclusively to OTEM, as indicated to the Directory of Directories maintained by Internic (nic.net.matrix.) It is not even available for public consultation. Therefore we recommend that information contain in said publication be treated with extreme mistrust due to extreme bias and conflict of interests present.
On the subject of the information we freely disclosed to OTEM, as a sign of transdimensional goodwill, we would like to express our doubts that Mr. @illa Backspace is in any way an expert in Trans-ternary Dimensional dynamics. She offered no proof of her dissmissal of our use of the Schrodinger equation for electron tunneling, quite necessary to explain the behavior of data transmissions in dimensional cross-sections where n is greater than three. For cross-sections where n>27 (or n>3^3^3, proof of quantum mechanical symmetry), one would need to use the Schrodinger equation for photon tunneling, to explain observations of phenomena where c is measured to be greater than 3x10^8 hm/m_s (hypermeters per moth_second). Mr. @illa Backspace, on the contrary does not offer any proof of his statements. Instead he mentions some nonsense about pandimensional simulators, which by the way, would need to be programmed according to our theories as well. [Editors note: The Pandimensional Group takes OTEM's recent allegations as a direct offense, and will not sit still in the face of such an insult.] We challenge him for a proof of his theories, if he or OTEM have any, should he attempt to negate our research.
It follows that all allegations made by OTEM in the communique broadcasted on Thursday, 8 February 1996, 14:20:54 (EST) are flawed by no fault of OTEM, but by inaccuracy in Mr. @illa Backspace's research. Frankly, Mr. Shells, you are in need of more competent employees. We cannot see how this got past Mr. Moustache at Channels. Maybe he is not as good as Redoubtable, which you decided to "denormalize" for no fault of his.
Henry Greznic-Teller
Head of Dimensional Research
Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc.
gt-h@joust.quantum.wallenstein.org
---end hexadecimal feed---
08 Feb 1996 -- OTEM releases the "True Life of 0x Redoubtable", allegedly writen by Redoubtable himself.
---transmission begins---
To W$0 K *E mnnn@@ #@%&*^{[[[7[]excu5e m3... rem04mil1zati0n !s still wearing 044 ...
My nam3 is 0x Redoubtable, and I have graciously been granted access to an OTEM terminal so that ! can set the record straight once and for all about the recent accusations and allegations tearing apart the fabric of our electronic community.
I was born in a small town outside of Iowa City, USA, to a poor farming family. My nine brothers, 1x Redoubtable, 2x Redoubtable, 3x Redoubtable, 4x Redoubtable, 5x Redoubtable, 6x Redoubtable, 7x Redoubtable, 8x Redoubtable, and George Washington Ninepins Redoubtable, all died mysteriously on their seventeenth birthdays while in the bathtub. I went to the local community college, excelled in computer science and communications, and was hired as a junior employee by Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc., and worked happily with the organization for many years, although they forced me to change my name ("for politicosemantic reasons") to "Hans Butter-Broetchen" which earned me the nickname among my heartless colleagues (who also mocked my humble origins) "Butter-Britches."
With the appearance of OTEM on the Matrix early last September, I was selected by the Director of Wallenstein QuantumInfo for an espionage mission. Following Alcazar-Wallenstein-Roman's plans (I understood the wrongness of my actions, but knew that I would be out of a job if I refused), I was hired by OTEM under my original name, 0x Redoubtable, and rapidly rose, on account of my infallibility and diligence, to the exalted position of VP in Charge of Channels. I was sent a secret memo from A-W-R, directing me to purposefully confuse communications between OTEM and the rest of the Matrix; which I accomplished through the use of a few carefully positioned typos. Unfortunately, Louise Alca4 of the Logic Division ferreted me out, and I was, quite rightfully I might add, denormalized. My memory was not erased, nor was I scrambled; I was merely given the horns, hat, tail, and satchel of a mailer-daemon, and directed to do the Matrical equivalent of community service.
It was WQI's experimental "renormalization" program which scrambled my memories, temporarily disturbed my infallibility, and lowered my typing speed to 65 wps. I was drugged and forced to sign statements I knew, despite all their efforts, were untrue. My colleagues, Cube, Goedel, Y3e and Batch, underwent similarly violent renormalization, and received similar treatment on their return. They had been denormalized at the same time as myself, on account of their involvement in the February Typographical Scandal, or Typegate as it is known in the media. Cube, Goedel, Y3e and Batch were rehired by WQI after a brain-wipe process was run on them; but I escaped, and OTEM generously allowed me to write the present document, though I am no longer an OTEM functionary; in addition, they will allow me to remain in Reality.
Sincerely,
0x Redoubtable
---end transmission---
08 Feb 1996 -- WQI Publishes further findings of their investigation of the "OTEM Dumping Scandal" and rebuts most of the claims made by OTEM's previous transmission, concluding that the originator was not the real 0x Redoubtable.
---begin parametric feed---
On Thursday, 8 Feb 1996, OTEM sent fort a transmission allegedly written by Mr. 0x Redoubtable. We frankly have good reasons to believe that such transmission was indeed sent by another, posing as Mr. Redoubtable. We have discovered in further analysis of the data found at junk.matrix and the "denormalization" protocols that an alter ego of Mr. 0x Redoubtable was created when the "denormalization" process was done. Denormalization logs indicate that this person bears slight physical and electronic resemblance to the original Redoubtable, but his name is Ox Redoubtable, not 0x. Furthermore, this person is not infallible, but indeed highly suggestible, gullible and error-prone. He was made to believe, by OTEM officials, that he was 0x Redoubtable, and after intensive briefing on 0x's bio data, proceeded to write the abovementioned transmission. Proof of the above is that 0x Redoubtable was not born in Iowa City, USA, but in Cork, Ireland. He was not a sibling in a large family, but the only one of two offspring, the other being his twin sister &e Redoubtable, well known in Ireland for her infallibility. Mr. and Mrs. R4bert Redoubtable are still living in Cork, and available for confirmation of our story. Furthermore, Mr. 0x Redoubtable, being in fallible as he is, attended Oxford and Harvard and holds a Ph.D.S. (Philosophy Doctor Supreme) in Infallible Mathematics and Bugless Programming, and knows the exact value of pi and e. His outstanding qualifications and Matrix-wide fame led him to the position of VP in Charge of Channels at OTEM in June 1992, immediately after his graduation from Harvard.
His infallibility led him to sniff out OTEM's plans for pandimensional domination, which he opposed. The rest is history. The renormalization process, which returned him his life, did not affect the recovered data in any way, and he was restored exactly as he was before the OTEM's "denormalization". This process was surprisingly easy on Mr. Redoubtable due to the infallible nature of his neuronal paths.
We would like to add that Mr. Redoubtable is immune to drugs of any kind, which, as the layman knows, only mimic natural substances in the human brain. This mimicry is rejected by Mr. Redoubtable's infallible neurons, ergo he is immune. This phenomenon is the subject of many medical research papers, which are all available in well known printed and electronic journals.
Cube, Goedel, Y3e and Batch were carefully renormalized and suffered no consequences from our benign process, which exactly reversed OTEM's "denormalization". All four have been granted asylum at the United Nations Building in New York, for fear to OTEM's ex-employer ethic. They can be reached by matrix mail (red@asyl.un.org, cube@asyl.un.org, goed@asyl.un.org, y3e@asyl.un.org and batc@asyl.un.org), but personal interviews can only be carried out by analog radio or video.
We deplore the degradation of OTEM's informational quality. OTEM and its parent corporation, OTGM, have finally gone the way of Microsoft and the former Bell communications. We fear that the department of Justice might catch a glimpse of OTEM and "denormalize" the once prestigious corporation into microEM oscillatory corporations. Mr. Shells should do something. Quick.
Lawrence Ebenizer-Zeiss
Incisive Division
Wallenstein QuantumInfo, Inc.
ez-l@scout.quantum.wallenstein.org
---end parametric feed---
08 Feb 1996 -- OTEM attempts to rebut WQI's recent claims by challenging them to produce evidence from Mr. Redoubtable's hands, and further threatens WQI with "the matrical equivalent of war".
---begin transmission---
Dear Subscribers,
We at OTEM would like to file a formal protest against the excessive length of recent transmissions from WQI, which prevents us from getting our homework done.
We refuse to respond to the patent absurdities propounded in WQI's last message; if we must come to a point where WQI says that the Gold Heart Mountaintop Queen Directory is a subsidiary of OTGM and we say it is not, then our subscribers must simply accept one or the other on trust, as they do not necessarily have the massive search engines posessed by our two corporations. The Gold Heart Mountaintop Queen Directory is not, and has never been, associated with OTGM in anyway, apart from our being recently added under the new subheading "cross-time corporations." We remind our subscribers of the recent and uninvestigated contradictions and outright lies propagated by WQI.
As for the recent communique from 0x Redoubtable through our terminals, this was, we will admit, not only an act of charity--he also provided more evidence of the iniquitous practices engaged in by WQI, and specifically, the user known as "Wallenstein." We challenge WQI to produce a document from Redoubtable's hand, if he is indeed in communication with them, revealing information which only Redoubtable and myself, Extraordinary Mustache, have access to, as VP former VP incharge of channels.
In the sort of game we are playing, "Wallenstein," one must not engage in outright contradiction, as the very nonverifiability of much of the information involved ensures that such practices can only lead to the Matrical equivalent of war.
If you think this is a threatening note, you are right.
You begin to bore us. The recent plagiarism of our form of transmission and our trademark tag-line only shows your own indolence, lack of initiative, and moral lethargy, WQI.
Sincerely,
Extraordinary Mustache
OTEM WorldWide: Write your own fuckin' tag-line here
---end transmission---
08 Feb 1994 -- OTEM asserts that WQI looks to OTEM for guidance in elementary matters.
---
p.p.s. We notice from the recent organization of an "Incisive Division" within WQI's corporate structure that WQI looks to OTEM for guidance in even the most rudimentary matters of organization.
EM
---